The one, single resolution that changes everything.
2 January 2021 | Petaling Jaya, Malaysia
There are three hands because I used the Sexy Santa app, like so many before me.
What a year it has been. What a year.
Everything that had to happen, everything that was needed to happen, happened.
I finally gave up resisting, the last pieces of resistance that I clung on to so stubbornly, finally shedding. The resistance that came from insisting that the voice inside me was wrong, believing that what defined me was my willingness to fight against what the voice inside was saying to me.
The thing is, the heart never shouts. The part of us that shouts is our ego. The part of us that lashes out in defiance and anger, the part of us that uses pride as armour, fear as fuel for the bonfire and builds a fortress of expectations around us is our ego.
The heart whispers instead, and it never stops. It never stops because it is the one true part of us, instead of the construct, the avatar, that we use to present ourselves to the world so that we can be accepted, we can be acknowledged, we can be “respected” and we can be loved by both people we know and people we don’t. The outer packaging we build and suffocate ourselves in that comes from our fear of not being enough.
Which is the biggest piece of BS ever sold.
That we are only worthy when we pretend to be someone and something else instead of who we are. That our value comes only from living based on other people’s expectations, their demands, their hopes, their fears and their dreams. That we have no intrinsic value except when it is given to us by others. That we are empty vessels that can only be filled by adulation, acknowledgement, acceptance and praise when we dress, talk, live, own, perform, eat, pray and love as expected. (A little nod to Bali right there).
The big-assed lie that the applause that comes from the frenzied, faceless crowd when the lion trainer whips the lion and the lion finally stands on the podium on two feet, bangs on a drum, and jumps through the ring of fire is what defines our worth, our value and our purpose. That we have no worth unless we do what we are told and what we are expected to do.
Meanwhile, we distract ourselves, we run, we shout, we do as much as we can and we work ourselves to the bone; we collect the shiniest things and we peacock every chance we get about our looks, our achievements and our life, in order to drown out the whisper. The whisper that tells us that this is not it, that this is not the way. This is not your way.
Perhaps the most important thing of all that it says, is that it is our sacred duty to be who we are, not for ourselves alone, never for ourselves alone, but for others. That it’s not about us individually, but all of us collectively.
That sometimes in order for us to be of the most value to the people we love and others, is to not be who they expect or want us to be.
Some call it the language of the world. Some call it the music of the soul. Some call it God and the Universe. But one thing I’ve found is that it comes from within, and the best things can only happen when we start listening. And one of the best signs that we haven’t been listening is the restlessness that just won’t go away no matter how much we have done, accumulated, experienced, how much money we have, how perfect our bodies are and how much we own. It’s saying, WTF man. Quiet the f**k down and listen. This is your heart whispering. Hello? Hello? Wei Wei?
For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel the restlessness as much. It still comes and says hello once in a while, usually with its best friend Mr Mellon Collie, but they no longer stay the night or for the weekend, finishing up all the food in my emotional pantry before they leave. They’re more like old friends, forever friends, who will always be there to remind me of the epic journey so far, and the unknown journey to come.
To remind me that only when I listen will I see, and that only when I see, will beauty reveal itself in everything and in everyone I touch, taste, smell and hold.
TL;DR — F**k yeah, thank you 2020. It’s been an honour serving with you. And get over here 2021, come get some. <3