I’ve been learning to be aware of the flow of things more, to listen and to see the subtle signs. This includes the vibe of particular places and people, the gut feel as we would usually call it, but it’s more like a silent buzzer going off when somehow, something is not entirely aligned with where I want to go and be, metaphorically and physically.
Yesterday I stepped off unto the streets of Ban Rak Thai, it didn’t feel right and I spent the night by the lake in Pang Oung instead.
Today I felt the same with Mae Hong Son, and I turned around at the guesthouse as I was checking in, said sorry, jumped into K and automatically started driving south towards Mae Sariang. I’m here now, and I’m at ease again.
It has been the same with people - I first saw this guy in a bar in Pai and immediately I sensed there’s a whole lot of anger, resentment, pain and something unresolved festering in him, even as he was just sitting there having a drink looking cool. It’s like everything - his expression, his stance, his eyes, his mood, etc - immediately coalesced into a single colour (that’s the best word I can think of, energy/aura sounds too wannabe spiritual) he was emanating. I caught myself, and said to myself “man, that’s pretty judgemental, James”. Then I realised it wasn’t judgement, it just came. I had absolutely no reason to judge him. Pai is a small place and I saw him a few more times after, and each time I sensed the same and it became clearer and stronger.
I seem to feel the same recently with situations and decisions I make. I made a seemingly fair and well-thought out decision on a project recently but somehow something was off, and when I re-evaluated my approach and decided otherwise I felt the shift immediately. It’s like an invisible weight, the same I used to dismiss and and went to grab another drink instead.
I’ve keeping myself more aware of the little things that happen and the little things I do, and I let my body “listen” more. I don’t know whether this makes any sense - our ears listen to sounds, our bodies listen in on something different. Being not as distracted helps. I see and listen, and then evaluate the possible alternative scenarios equally with the most apparent or immediate one. I write more. My notes app is filled with snippets of self-reflection, tiny epiphanies and synchronicities that I keep private. I will sort them out later, and try and see how the heck everything fits together in a way that makes sense. I know the lines connect, and that they connect beyond my present ability to see and understand. I’m just not there yet. They lie outside the visible spectrum for now.
There has always been a voice, but it’s usually drowned out by my beliefs, assumptions, distractions, arrogance and expectations. Stay. Leave. Do. Watch. Speak. Listen. Be Quiet. Move. Stay in the slipstream. Choose. I’m listening to it a little more now, and I ask myself what could be the reasons behind what it says. What is it that I don’t see, but it does.
Man, I’m really heading deeper into woo-woo land, baby. This shit is pretty cray cray. Let’s try it out some more. No pride. No ego. No assumptions. No expectations. No excuses. No blame. Listening. Seeing. Evaluating. Revisiting. Heeding.
Let’s see where this takes me.
12 July 2022
Mae Sariang, Thailand.