There are points in our lives where we reach a breaking point, when we realize we are not where we want to be and we need to truly change. This was one of my mine.
Written 8 October 2019 | Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
I’ve put too many things aside. Things that needed to be done. Things that needed to be said.
I made excuses for them, I made excuses for others. I made excuses for myself.
I guess I was in a way still hiding from the consequences that I know might come. The fears that remain - of being ostracised, of losing what I have, of facing anger and disappointing others, of being misunderstood, of being unloved, of being alone.
The fears all muddled up and combining into something that comes across as so much more than the sum of its parts.
But as I take time to be alone and dissect that dirty, black mass of coagulated and pulsing fear, as I break them into parts and stare at them directly, their powers dissipate. WTF. They are just stickmen wrapped in smoke. Most of the fears are unjustified, demons made of paper rustling in the wind, and for those that remain real, I know I have to walk through them, I know I will not stay fallen should I fall, and I know I will be a better and stronger person when I do.
So there. I’m no longer putting the things that need to be said and done aside, I will no longer ignore the things that truly matter. I will not allow others to place their hopes, happiness and dreams on me without my permission, and I will not let their expectations and requirements define me and determine how I live the remaining years of my life.
It’s heavy I know, but damn, the clarity is fucking beautiful. ### Update 5 January 2021
This was my last entry on Tumblr. It took me 2 years from realisation to action since I wrote the above. Knowing something and actually doing something about it are definitely two very different things. In the process, I had to walk away, tear off and let go of chunks of my flesh, and I felt the old me died a few times.
I feel so much lighter now, and it's one of the reasons why despite 2020 being a bad year for so many of us, it was seminal for me. Someone I love told me she saw the light dim in me the last few years, and honestly last year it was nearly snuffed out. It was no one else's fault - I was responsible for letting it happen. I lost myself bit by bit, giving pieces of myself away here and there, and I knew I had to make a fundamental shift to who I had slowly become in the last 6 years. Recently she told me she sees the light again. Yeah, I feel it too. And I'm writing again. <3