One of the resolutions I made in the last year was to move away from people and things that were not good for my mental and emotional well-being, to walk away. It was hard. It meant shedding a lot I had held on to dearly because I thought it was the right thing to do, because it was expected of me.
Ideas. Thoughts. People. Things. Beliefs.
Every single piece fused to my body like chunks of armour and weighing me down. Some big, some small, some made of lead and slowly poisoning me.
I knew I had to shed, but I didn’t know where to start. The fear of finding out what’s beneath all the layers I had wrapped around me all these years, so much so that I didn’t even know or recognised myself anymore, paralysed me.
It took ripping out the first piece to start it all. A big piece that was seared into my skin, a piece that kept on burning. The raw flesh beneath bled, and the nerves screamed. It bled on, until I saw that underneath was what I had been hiding all these years. I saw the veins, and I saw criss-crossing lines through the pulsing, translucent inner skin that held me together. I saw that it didn’t break.
So I started pulling away the other pieces one by one. The more I did, the more I recognised what was beneath. My inner child was there, with my hopes, my heart and my dreams. They have always been there, and they have always spoken to me but I just didn’t listen. I couldn’t listen. They spoke to me of things I didn’t think was possible, they whispered a way I could not believe could be true. I drowned out their voices through deadlines, projects, entertainment, social media and by keeping myself constantly distracted. I refused to listen, and I refused to engage.
But one thing the pandemic did that nothing else could before this was it made me pay attention, finally. The voices within became louder in the lockdown, and I sat down and for the first time, truly listened. Put aside your fears they told me. Put aside your ego. Push aside your pride. Put aside your need to please and impress others. Put aside what others expect of you. Be with me.
That was the first step on this new journey I’m on at the moment. And yeah, so far, so good.